The Ramblings of a Menopausal Woman

If the Purge was a thing, it would be the group of menopausal women I would fear the most. Twelve hours of consequence-free unrestrained rage. In my experience, perimenopausal and menopausal woman are generally unpredictable and filled with rage. We’re tired and don’t have the time or energy to deal with other people’s bullshit. Or maybe that’s just me. 😃 Either way, if the world ever descends completely into violence and chaos, just find the group of middle aged women. That’s going be our time to shine!

I kid, but for me dealing with menopausal rage has been extremely difficult. I have never felt anger related emotions as strongly as I did when I had zero estrogen in my system. It felt like there was so much rage in my body that it was boiling over. Maybe thats what causes hot flashes? Once I finally got on HRT my life/mood has improved tremendously. My husband agrees that I’m doing much better now, but he may have PTSD from the past year so I’m not sure if he is an accurate source.

It has been incredibly difficult not knowing whether my emotional responses are accurate or valid. I have always been a logical thinker, and menopause really fucked with the logical part of my brain. At it’s peak, I tried everything to handle my rage and it didn’t work. I tried all the therapies I could think of. Talk therapy, massage therapy, float therapy, medication, acupuncture, etc. Anything I could think of that could possibly help. I just felt broken all the time. I wanted to stop feeling angry all the time. I wanted to feel like me again. I hated being in my body so much. No one but Clay really saw the struggle that I went through. My close friends got bits and pieces, but I didn’t want to subject anyone to the whole kit and kaboodle. While things are getting back on track, I know I’m not 100%. I’m okay with being a work in progress as long as I keep moving forward.

For me, hormone replacement therapy was a game changer. I know not all women can use HRT, and I feel for them so much. If a doctor told me the choice was possible stroke vs toughing it out, I probably would have chosen to risk the stroke. It wasn’t that I was suicidal, it was that I just didn’t want to live like that anymore. I cried more than I have ever had in my life. Stress was causing me to be in physical pain from all the tension every single day. I didn’t want to be me anymore. I know it really put a lot of strain on Clay as well, because he wanted to help me but knew there was nothing he could do.

Menopause changes everything about how your body and mind works. It changed how my brain processes information and how it stores any new information. (Hint: it doesn’t really want to store new info or keep track of old info for that matter). It has changed how much weight stays on my body, and where that weight is going to hang out. It has changed how I metabolize alcohol. I can’t really drink brown liquor or red wine at all anymore. If I do, it’s hot flash city all night and the following day my emotions are dysregulated. Anything over a single cocktail with a clear liquor is crap shoot. It sucks not to be able to drink at all when the world is dumpster fire. Thank goodness the THC drinks are available at most bars now when I want something beside water or tea.

I am so thankful that women are talking about menopause more and more each day. Over the past five years, it has become more of mainstream topic. Thank goodness! Women shouldn’t have to suffer silently through this part of life. Don’t we suffer quietly about too many things already when it comes to our reproductive organs? Endometriosis, miscarriages, PCOS, abortion, infertility, etc. Enough is enough! If men are going to keep sending dick pics to women, then we can do our part by keep them informed about our uteruses.

I encourage women to ask their mothers what menopause was like for them. I wish I had asked my mom what symptoms were the hardest for her. Maybe I could have prepared better or known what to do sooner. It’s kinda wild some of the things that happen to your body. Here are some of the odder symptoms you might not think are related to menopause but usually are:

• Itchy ears
• Dry eyes
• Joint pain
• Change in cholesterol levels
• Dry/crepey skin
• Allergies intensified
• Heightened sense of smell
• Acne
• Itchy skin
• Frozen shoulder
• Hair texture/fullness
• Brittle nails
• Shrinking clitoris/Vaginal atrophy

It blows my mind when I still see women saying their doctor refuses to prescribe them HRT. If that happens to you, please get a second opinion! There is a directory on menopause.org to help you find a provider that specializes in the field. I’m linking it here for easy access. You are always your best healthcare advocate. I shouldn’t be surprised. Women’s healthcare has never been a priority unless it comes to the government controlling what parts of healthcare are legally available to women.

So now what? What’s the next step? I’m going to do something new and different! I found this event that is happening in Portland next month. It’s called Spark Midlife, and is going to be 3 1/2 days of feral middle aged women running around downtown Portland, Oregon. During the day there are workshops to help women learn about this part of their life, how are brains are changing, and learning new skills to adapt. In the afternoons there are things like a baby goat party, Mrs. Roper scavenger hunt, bowling party, karaoke, rage painting, and all the sparkles you can find. I’m really excited about it. It is outside of my comfort zone, but I took this year off to try new things. So that’s what I’m doing.

Added bonus, I have never been to Portland before. I hear they love an inflatable costume. 😉