The Ramblings of a Menopausal Woman

This picture is about to tell you a story. So buckle up, it’s going to be a wild ride.

Last week, let’s say Monday, I started feeling some discomfort in my back right side. I figured it was from the PT I’ve been going to recently for hip pain. Yay 50! Tuesday evening, it was getting more uncomfortable and I felt a little nauseous. I started worrying that I had a kidney infection. Wednesday morning I wake up and get some coffee, this coffee to be exact. I knew something was different and I did not feel good. I called the doc, and they had an opening in 20 min. I could make it! Clay isn’t even really aware of what is going on, but asked if I wanted him to drive me. I told him I was fine, and I’ll be back soon. I figured I would go there, pee in a cup, and I’d be back home in time for work after they gave me a script for some antibiotics.

NARRATOR: It was NOT fine.

I made it over the first speed bump in Oakwood right next to the cemetery. I needed to pee, but I had to make it to the doctor. I have to pee in the cup. Mind you I have been awake for about half an hour at this point, long enough to drink half a cup of coffee.

Finally I made it to the doc and things went quickly downhill. I pee in the cup. Whew, made it. Then the pain kicked in and I started vomiting, luckily I was still in the bathroom and did not have to start someone else’s day dealing with that. But what you may not know about me is if I start vomiting, I start crying. It is my kryptonite. Doc tells me what you have all figured out by now, kidney STONE not kidney infection and he’s pretty sure I need to go to the ER. Clay comes to get me, still really having no clue what the fuck is going on. Not on purpose, but because by now it’s 9am and the last time I really saw him was before bed when it wasn’t a big deal. He drives me over to Big Wake.

Once at the hospital, I wait my turn to get triaged. I have no idea how long it was before I got to see someone who could actually do something about the pain.I think it was around an hour or so. (Clay later told me it was over 3 hours) The ER doc walks up and starts introducing himself and he looks really familiar. When he reaches his hand out to Clay, Clay says “You’re our old neighbor.” He was our next door neighbor when we first bought The Crap Shack many moons ago. Apparently he had moved back to Raleigh and is a PA at WakeMed. 

So now it’s around noon and they finally give me something for pain. When that morphine shot kicked in, everything got better. For a little bit. I get scheduled for a CT, and they send my doped up ass back into the lobby. We wait for about another hour or so, and I tell Clay to go let Clara out and get some lunch. He leaves and a few minutes later I noticed the CT appointment is no longer showing on the MyChart app. I asked the nurse and she said that I was still scheduled for imaging. I text Clay and tell him I’m still waiting and go ahead and just hang out with Clara.

Then the PA comes back. He says that there has been a change of plans. He said, “Well, you can’t have a CT because of your positive pregnancy test.” I’M SORRY WHAT?!? He keeps talking and says something about now I’ll get an ultrasound. My morphine induced self just stares at him and the following conversation happens:

Me: I’m sorry what did you say?

PA: Your pregnancy test came back positive. We’re running a blood test to confirm.

Me: No, I’m sorry. That’s not a thing.

PA: ?

Me: I am 50 years old. I have a history of lifelong infertility, including trying IUI and IVF. And 5 years ago I had uterine ablation and haven’t had a period in 5 years.

It takes a moment for the PA to process all the info. He said don’t tell Clay over text, just wait until we run the blood test. Then I realize Clay is not here, and I just told him to stay gone for a little bit to hang out with Clara. About 15 minutes go by and I wonder if he’s coming back soon. They confirm the test is positive with a HCG level of 8. My brain is not really computing what is going on and I no longer give a shit about the kidney stone. Someone needs to tell me if I am actually pregnant. Finally Clay gets back and I tell him. He basically did what I did and just stood there dumbfounded. I get the ultrasound of my kidneys and my uterus to see if they can tell if there’s a baby. Stones in my ureter on ultrasound, but as far as they can see no baby in my uterus. So it’s around 9pm and I still have about half a cup of coffee all day.

They give me some meds and begin working my discharge. By now it’s 9:30 pm and we’ve been there 12 hours and we are leaving with way more going on than when we got there. I’m exhausted and so thirsty. The entire time I was there I wasn’t allowed to have water until after I completed my imaging, in case I was obstructed by the stone.

It was such a long and confusing day. I couldn’t handle any more information. I was exhausted. Clay and I were both stunned and confused. Both of us going through so many emotions that we hadn’t dealt with in over a decade. We had accepted several years before we couldn’t have kids, and now we had no idea if this was real or not. We needed time to process this and went to bed pretty quickly.

The next day we woke up and reread all the discharge instructions. Called and scheduled an appointment with the urologist and a follow up with my primary care doctor. First appointment is to the primary care doc. She doesn’t think I’m pregnant, and at this point I don’t think I’m pregnant either. She orders a recheck of the blood test. If it has gone up at all she’ll schedule another ultrasound.

Then I went to the urologist. Great doctor, I really like him. He also doesn’t think I’m pregnant and if I was a CT would be safe. He orders the CT. 

Now I start feeling sick. I must have picked up some crud at the ER. Then I start getting concerned that if I end up with a fever how will I know if it’s from the cold or the kidney? I did end up with a fever, and I was fairly confident it was from the cold. Test negative for Covid and the flu, but I end up with an ear infection. Back to my primary care for antibiotics. Meanwhile the blood test comes back and my HCG goes up to 9. Anyone who has ever dealt with pregnancy or infertility knows that when your HCG only goes up 1 point after several days, even if it is real it’s not going to be viable. She schedules a repeat ultrasound.

Here’s the thing: when I was searching about women in their 50s with positive pregnancy tests, I found lots of stories of people it had happened to. I also found stories of women that got pregnant after a uterine ablation. Then I found some interesting information online. The first being from the New England Journal of Medicine. Apparently it’s common for perimenopausal women and menopausal women to have low levels of HCG. One article I found said one of the main concerns regarding this is a delay in diagnostic testing when it is caught by accident before a procedure. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! Why didn’t anyone say that to me in the hospital? Why wasn’t I given the option of having the CT if it is common to have false positives for women my age? Why have I never heard this before? It’s because we don’t talk about menopause. We don’t talk about what is basically organ failure that you survive and have to ask for treatment.

I got the results of my CT and I still have a stone in my ureter, and one in my kidney. My cold is passing.

On Saturday (yesterday), I went for the recheck ultrasound, fairly certain I’m not pregnant and hoping to finally have an answer either way. The ultrasound tech asks when the first day of my last period was and I say “April 2020. We’re here to look for my fake baby or the Faby as my husband and I have been calling it” I give her a quick rundown, and she responds that she thought my appointment seemed odd when she looked at it. Odd is an understatement. Then she looks at me and says “You know I’m not allowed to tell you anything? The ultrasound is not marked as a STAT exam so it won’t be read until Monday or Tuesday.” Fuuuuuuck.

So, if you have made it this far in my little “wish it was fiction” fiasco, it’s not over yet. I still don’t have a definitive answer one way or the other.

In the meantime, I wrote this all for you to enjoy the ride with me. This is why people need to talk about menopause! Women should understand what to expect, and how to advocate for their medical health.